me as an airline pilot

"I think one of the worst things is when you know that you like the person you are seeing more. And you know you’re going to get your heart broken. But you keep willingly going along with it even though you know you are going to get fucked over. And when you do you think you will be prepared. But it burns just as much."

Things I learned in 2015

"As we grow up we learn that even the person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it gets harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love, so take many pictures, laugh too much and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is one minute of happiness you’ll never get back.”  

                                                                                          -Andy Biersack"

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When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You’re not sure what to do with yourself because you don’t understand why the person you loved so much just walked out on you.

So you do the only thing you can do after crying a river: you pick yourself up and do the best you can to move on with your life. And just when you start to enjoy life and be happy again sans a partner, someone comes along and robs you off your sleep.

The first time you fall in love after a heart break, it’s going to be different. Instead of the usual excitement and butterflies in your stomach feeling, you will be overcame with an overwhelming sense of resistance. You’ve gotten so used to and comfortable with being alone that you find nothing more desirable and fulfilling than the single life. You probably have said ‘I’m not into commitments’ a million times, and you believe this so genuinely that you have mentally blocked yourself from getting attracted. And then it happens.

One second you are convinced you’re impervious to love that no one can even get to your heart, the next, you’re surrounded by the offcuts of the wall you’ve built.

You’ve flipped.

The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’ll panic. After realizing you’ve flipped, fear will creep in. That is on top of the smiles to yourself, the butterflies in your stomach and the excitement. It is undeniably the most fucked up combination. You’ll spend sleepless nights thinking if you can do it again, then their name pops on your phone, and suddenly you don’t care anymore. And repeat ad nauseam.

The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’ll feel scared, and that is as you find yourself falling harder and harder, and them getting closer and closer to the parts of you you’ve locked away so perfectly. You will realize it’s getting committed that you’re scared of. It’s the fear of reprise, of heartbreak. While the logical part of yourself tells you it’s inevitable and no matter how hard you try to spare yourself from it, you wouldn’t listen to logic. You will cave in.

The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’ll suffer from a bout of amnesia. You give in to the feeling, but still try to convince yourself you’re in control. You will realize falling in love for the second time is the same as the first, but with perspective.

The same rush, the same desire, the same exchange of promises, and yet you’ll feel like you’ve never done it before.

You’re going to poke and prod your partner and be like, ‘How do I do this again? How do I love you?” Falling in love again is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget, and somehow, it doesn’t bore you. Actually, you like it.

The first time you fall in love after a heart break, you’re more aware. You have gained some grip on reality that you didn’t have before, you’ll end up on the opposite end of the spectrum. Were you super friendly with your guy friends you had not thought your boyfriend might be jealous? You will be more sensitive. Were you the jealous and possessive boyfriend who wants her to yourself? You will be more trusting. You will hope you know how it works..after all the lessons you’ve learned in the past.

The first time you fall in love again after a heart break, you will love like you’ve never done it before. After letting go of everything that stops you from enjoying the moment, you will find yourself writing the letter you swore you’ll never write again. You will enjoy the love songs you got sick of listening to. You will hold hands, cuddle and snuggle, and kiss like you don’t care about the world that you will forget all the snarky comments you made when you were the one witnessing those things in public. Who gives a shit? You’re happy.

The first time you fall in love again after a heart break, it will be amazing. You lie there watching him snoring in his sleep and then it will suddenly hit you that you have fallen, hard and irrevocably.
You will realize that no matter how good it felt when you were alone and living the life, you will not have things any other way.

You’ll want to laugh at yourself for the quirk of the moment. But the one thing you won’t want to do is to leave. You couldn’t even if you tried.

The first time you fall in love again is not the first. The first time was insane and magical – something you cannot reclaim, but that’s okay. What you have now is the cheesiest, most cringe-inducing realization you’ll have. But you’ll smile when you get it because you have never felt like this before. Because what you have now is real. It’s about two whole people coming to make something new together. Something beautiful. Something lasting.

"

"Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn’t possible have any direct correlation to one’s happiness, but I never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possible work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, than you are going to do it. It’s really no different than falling in love or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their yellow paint."

"You never know the biggest day of your life is the biggest day. Not until it’s happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time, because you wanna live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days."

"It changes you a little bit every time you either break someone’s heart or get your heart broken."